Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good, either.
Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, probably you won’t be needing him again.
I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.
If everything seems to be going well, you’ve obviously overlooked something.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level.
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them more.
The Evening News is where they begin with “Good evening” and then tell you why it isn’t.
There are three sides to any argument – your side, my side and the right side.
A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and then makes it sound confusing.
Everybody makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.